did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
