Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
