Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
