i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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