just tell him i said nine months
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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