Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
