Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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