I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
But break dance skills will only take you so far
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
