He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
