This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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