Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
