It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
