she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize