Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dignity is for republicans.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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