my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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