dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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