So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
