mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
