Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
