allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
