Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
