So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
