After last night, I could never be a politician.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
