I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
