I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
