I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
