I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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