i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
