you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
