I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize