If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
