i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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