I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just pee around me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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