I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
