I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
