I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize