Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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