how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
