Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
