Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You are the jesus of drinking
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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