either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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