Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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