why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
