okay pat passed out under dana's car
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
well you can't waste a boner
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
