I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
