I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
