Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
