there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize