Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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