I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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