if i can run in heels then i can drive
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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