Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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