Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
