Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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