Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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