I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
