next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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