did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize